Friday, May 16, 2008

If you Dont laugh at this never come back here again!

My dad sent me this email today and it is the funnest thing I have read in a long time.

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to shit yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of beingpainful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the nextday both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No"Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clampeddown", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem." That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Dreaded Move

So Trisha and I are moving this Saterday, And if anyone is able to help please do. I will pick up a uhaul in the moring so for you all that live in the Marysville area we'll need help around 9:00am to load the truck. For you all that live in Elkgrove/ Sacramento we'll need you around 2:00pm to help unload.

This move will be good for us. I'll be closer to work and closer to some old friends. Trisha will have better job opp's in Elk grove as well as being closer to her friends. I am sad to lose our house in Olivehurst. We both have put a lot of work into it and it will make some young famliy a great home but. It is time for us to get back to Sacramento. We will miss all our friends up north and will try to stay in touch with you all.

Monday, May 12, 2008

MySpace surveys

So for thoughs of you who are not a part of my space there are surveys that go around all the time some are funny and some are personal. I thought I might share some of them with you the readers of my blog so here we go.

How old will you be in 15 month​s?​31
Who was the last perso​n who texte​d you?Coley
​What are you liste​ning to?Some tv show Trisha is watching
Who is the last perso​n you had a face to face conve​rsati​on with?​Trisha
Do you belie​ve in love at first​ sight​?​I dont know
Was yeste​rday bette​r than today​?​No
Do you prefe​r to call or text?​Call,I hate texting
What'​s the neare​st green​ objec​t to you?My hat
What were you doing​ at 12 am last night​?​Sleeping
When is the last time you saw your mom?March​
Have you kisse​d someo​ne in the last 2 weeks​?​Absol​utley
​How many house​s have you lived​ in?4
Do you live in the house​ you grew up in?No
What are you doing​ for your next birth​day?​I have no idea
What is your favor​ite color​?​Camo
What color​ is your shirt​?​No shirt on
Do you sleep​ on a certa​in side of the bed?Yes
What are you think​ing about​ right​ now?Work
Any plans​ for this weeke​nd?​Packing
Do you have anyth​ing bothe​ring you?Yes, the move
Do you smile​ often​?​I try
Have you ever had a life-​threa​tenin​g injur​y?​A few
Do you prefe​r an ocean​ or pool?​Both
Why is your relat​ionsh​ip statu​s the way it is?We LOVE each other
Do you wear any jewel​ry 24/​7?​No
Have you ever been awake​ for 48 hours​ strai​ght?​yes, a few times
​How often​ do you remem​ber your dream​s?​Not very often​
What is the main ring tone on your phone​?​I have no idea
What is somet​hing that you do too much?​Work
Do you shut off the water​ while​ you brush​ your teeth​?​Yes, I do.
Are you mad about​ anyth​ing?​Not reall​y
If your being​ extre​mely quiet​ whats​ it mean?​I'm uncuntfrable
If someo​ne hit you, what would​ you do?Kick there ASS
Have you ever kisse​d someo​ne and never​ saw them again​?​No
Are you drift​ing away from someo​ne you were close​ with?​Yes
Has anyon​e told you they misse​d you latel​y?​Yes
Would​ you ever date your best frien​d of the oppos​ite sex?I marri​ed Her



Number 2

Will you be getting married in the next 2 months?I got married almost 10 years ago
Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?In the morring
What is your current mood?Tired
Last person/people you hung out with?Wife
Do you have a crazy side?Most of you have no idea
What was the highlight of your weekend?Being with my wife
Could you date someone who was gay?See how I'm not Gay no, It just wouldn't work out!
Who is on your mind?Family
Have you learned any lessons in life?Just a few! hundred
Are you happy right now?For the most part
Who do you hate currently?The oil companys who are screwing us everyday
Last shocking news you heard?Not much shocks me anymore!
When is your birthday?Feb 8
How do you feel about your hair right now?Tired and overwhelmed
Do you miss anyone?All the time
What do you miss most about the past?not having the worries of life
What do you miss least about the past?the Pain of growing up
Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?Try 12 + years and counting,
I have never cheated on a girlfriend or my wife? No
What turns you on about the opposite sex?Boobs and attitude.
Are you afraid of falling in love?not at all I have been in love for 12years now
Do you like country music?I can lissen to it
Do you have any tattoos or piercings?2 tats and one piercing
Do you believe in love?Yes.
Would you forgive a friend for telling your biggest secret?No, real friends help you barry the bodys!
Are you dating the person you text most?No, its agenced the law for me to date her
One thing you like to do in public?have fun
Are you single?No
Do you like the color green?Yes
Do you find it in your heart to forgive?Sometimes
Three hours ago, were you touching a person of the opposite sex?Yes
How much are you on the phone daily?As little as possible
Last thing you cooked?Dinner
Are you in a good mood?ok
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?naked
Who did you hug last?My wife
Last person who told you things were going to be okay?My Mom
Do you have more or less than five real best friends?I couldn't say
Does the number 19 have any significance to you?No
Be honest, do you like people in general?Most of the time.
Who is your number 3 on myspace?BJ I think
What do you think about death?when it's your time it's your time
Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else?No everyone has problems
Whats the biggest flaw in someones personality?everyone has there own flaws
Who was the last person that left you a comment?Jenna
Did you kiss or hug anyone today?My wife
Got any nicknames?Lot's
What color is your hair?brown'sh blonde
Are you named after anyone?My dads father
Are you taller than 5'6"?yes
Who was the last person to send you a IM?Jenna
What is your background on your phone?it changes every day

One more and thats it for tonight!

1.ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?fell off my bike, riding from seatlle to portland
2.WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?nothing right now we're moving
3.WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?grey and black
4.WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?rock
5.DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?in the few hours of the morring
6.WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?to find a new place to live and be done moving
7.WHAT DO YOU MISS?my brothers and sister
8.WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION/S?my Wife and puppys
9.WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?Aquires
10.DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?no
11.DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?no I keep my gun really close to me
12.THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?Trisha
13.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?Aspen
14.WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?Red hair and grey eyes
15.WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?I did the proposing after I made a nice dinner and watched a movie
16.COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?monster M-80 or Amp
17.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?Canadian Bacon and Pineapple, or the works
18.IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?;}
19.WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?My Wife
21.WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?Life
22.DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?I like my dogs
23.ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?Yes
24.FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?is there a brand called hella cheep
25.WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?Shelby Cobra
26.DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?4 of them
27.WHAT KIND IS IT?2 Bulldogs and 2 cats
28.WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?I would try not to
29.WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?in person
30.SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:69
31.BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?Brunettes
32.WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?Trisha or Dad
33.WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?people who over Dramatise things
34.HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?Yes.
35.YOUR WEAKNESSES?Sex with my wife
37.FIRST JOB?land scaper
38.EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?Many
39.What were YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS?Intaling a trailer hitch on my truck
40.IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BEI would have my jaw fixed
41.WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?Bored
42.WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?My teaching style
43.WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?quit drinking
44.WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?a quiky!
45.How many kids do you want? 1
46.WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?Yes my Grandfather Culpepper
47.DO YOU WISH ON STARS?No
48.WHAT DID YOU DO THIS MORNING?Went to work
49.WHAT DID YOU LAST EAT?Short ribs and rice.
50.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?Hell no
51.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?black forest ham
52.ANY BAD HABITS?Oh ya
53.WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF!I dont know
54.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?I hope so
55.HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?Yes
56.DO LOOKS MATTER?No
57.HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?Sex
58.WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?Mom and Dads
59.WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DATE?Any time we end up naked!
60.WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?I dont rember
61.HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?20-30
62.WHAT IS YOUR AIM SCREEN NAME?Dont use AIM
63.DO YOU USE SARCASM?Never!
64.HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?Yes
65.WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?Boobs, butt, personality, flertyness
66.WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?Jay, little, dork boy
70.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?Cherry Garcea
72.WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOR(S)?Cammo
74.HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?0
75.DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?only if they really care about me
76.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?news
77.What was the last thing you drank ? Dr.Pepper
78.LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?Ray
79.THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?Boobs
80.FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG?many
81.FAVORITE THING TO HATE?Gas
82.FAVORITE DRINK(S)?Mt Dew, Dr Pepper, monster, amp
83.FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN?mine
84.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?Racing
85.WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?dirty blond
86.EYE COLOR?Hazel
87.HEIGHT?69 in
88.SIBLINGS?2 brothers and 1 sister
89.FAVORITE MONTH?Feb
90.YOU LIKE SUSHI?oh hell no
91.LAST THING YOU WATCHED?news
92.FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?hollidays I dont have to work
93.ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?Nope
94.SUMMER OR WINTER?Winter
95.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?A drill bite and torch wrench
96.WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?Dane Cook
97.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?I cant read
98.ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?I think My wife is
99.MY WORST FEAR?not being usefull
100.DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING?Pain med's

Sorry that was a bit of a long one, Have a good week!